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i was chatting with a fren via email at work today. he was telling me how much he wish he can throw away everything and live once for himself. He dreamt of being a fighter pilot, basketball coach and even wartime journalist. But here he is slogging at work doing something he doesnt like. he says it's due to the recent trip to aust the interraction he had with the peeps over there thus making him so much gan chu.

i told him, well you can still choose to go aft these dreams. however, pple may see you as making a selfish choice. imagine asking your other half to wait for you while you fulfill these dreams of yours. Then by the time you're 30 with all the experience and perspective u get to do something you really like and are good at and make up for the lost years of earnings by making more money than slogging at a job u dun really like. To me, making such a choice may be selfish but you are just being true to youself.

Then my fren replies "But we all live only 1 life right. In the end, taking the safe route, does it really make u feel its a life well-lived? Lets say u take some major risks, and it doesn't turn out well, and u end up struggling to make ends meet, with no family. Is it that regretful? At least u took shot at something u wanted to do right. Push yourself nearer the edge. Go with the heart rather than the mind. Feel the pleasure and the pain. Make some mistakes. Take some gambles. U can say its selfish, but you are the single biggest majority shareholder of your own life, surely it makes sense to make selfish decisions?"

totally agree, but all the logic in our well-drilled minds scream towards making the risk-averse, safe choice, which is to buckle down, be realistic and earn a stable living. Settle down in your early-mid 30s, stay in a humble flat until youre 50 and your kid is in school. Live to provide for the family. Stay away from danger, avoid indulging, better safe than sorry. Security.

sighs. who doesnt wish to break away from everything and really consider doing what you like to do? I often daydream travelling around the world, i even fancy the idea of working in some foreign country and saving just enough to travel to my next destination. when money runs dry, i will seek some employment, save and tadah, next destination. 我行我宿. of course, if i can find another person who shares the same mindset as me and accompany me while i set my footprints on every possible corner of the world, im more than happy. BUT, i know these are just myself building sandcastles in the air.

at the end of the day, i think daydreaming is as far as it goes for me. many pple like us are bounded by the so-call correct way of life, which is to look for a good job upon graduation, work hard, save hard and enough to start a family, meet the right (or wrong) person at the right time, get married, have kids, continue slogging to maintain the family expenses, bringing up the kids, continue to work somemore till the maximum age then retire. By the time you have the time and money to relax and do some travelling, your health forbids you for doing so.

seriously, sometimes, i think life is so cruel. it dont go the way you want it to be. like now when im still young and unmarried, i want to go backpacking but i have to work. then when you save up enough, i may have a family by then so backpacking is out. when my kids groww up (don't they always say kids never grow up in their parents' eyes), im too old and grey to talk about backpacking. BIG SIGHS.

so very pessimistic about life. i always wonder why humans exist on earth, since most of the time, we are doing what the society label as the correct way, and not the way you want your life to be. or maybe, most of us are just timid. we can have the choice of being courageous and approach life the way you want it to be. You want to be a traveller? Then go ahead and be one! Throw away your life here in singapore, your loved ones and really go out to see the world.

yes, im not that courageous to make such a choice.

a little bit of narcissism won't hurt, and vanity isn't a sin.




涵妍。hanyan ....